Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Mighty Personalities of MLS

How is it that teams can take on personalities. I'm not sure how it happens, but I think it is a good thing that it does. It gives games a different level of involvement. With that in mind, I setout to take part in the fifth US soccer carnival.

I'm not sure what causes me to look at teams the way I do, but over the years, they all have developed little characters in my mind. So I present for you that little piece of my mind.

Chicago Fire - The last-born child in a four kid household. The parents are too tired to really put up a fight and have too much experience to try to raise the 'perfect' child, so the kid is on their own. Some how this kid keeps finding ways to 'out shine' their older siblings. Perhaps it's because he doesn't know any better or maybe it's because not enough people were watching at first, but they are always a force.

Chivas USA - Nothing like being the grandson of someone famous, but as Hank Williams the 3rd can tell you, a name will get you a crowd but only your talent will make them clap. The good news, unlike being the second in a line, the third kid often finds their own path, which, for whatever reason, has to be different from that of those who came before. This difference makes them into something great.

Colorado Rapids - The Rapids are that cousin who you never really think about but who likes to 'pop' into town for an unannounced visit and expects you to show them around. The worst part is dinner when he tries to impress you with his overall lousy stories that don't seem to go anywhere or have a payoff at the end.

Columbus Crew - The loveable losers of the league. They are the closest thing the MLS has to the Chicago Cubs. Nobody hates the Crew, in large part because they are never really threatening. They are the guy who is every girl's friend, but never their boyfriend.

DC United - The golden child. Just by showing up, they intimidate. People who don't seem to know anybody else you know, somehow know this kid. However, when the glow is removed, you see this kid to be just as vulnerable as everyone else and when he falls, he always lands hard.

FC Dallas - The angry middle management type. They might just have the talent to be something great, but they always find a way to hold themselves back. Every project they are assigned starts off fantastic but then gets bogged down half way through due to infighting and poor communication. By the end, the project is presentable, but never quite what it looked to be at the start.

Houston Dynamo - This is the 'live free' kid. They might not be the best when it comes to 'standardized skills' but they have enough social abilities to cover up their faults. They always find a group to mingle with and usually make for good fun, but they are not someone with whom you want to travel long distances.

Kansas City Wizards - The Wizards are that friend who always gets well beyond drunk when you go out and needs you to take him home. Along the way home he tells you that 'you're the greatest' and 'I love you man' and how the world is out to get him. Meanwhile you just can't wait to get him out of your car. You really wonder how this person, who is actually smart when sober can be this much of a disappointment time and time again.

Los Angeles Galaxy - LA is your girlfriend's best male friend. You don't really like or respect him because you're pretty sure he's just waiting for you to fail so he can sneak in at the end, but you have to put up with him. He never does anything that you can really point a finger towards, but just by being around, you know there's trouble a coming.

New England Revolution - Remember that kid in middle and high school that always ran for Vice-President of student council? It seemed like he never wanted to be in the forefront of things, which caused you to wonder if he was so dumb that he felt that the President actually had power, thus he could screw it up or if he was so smart that he knew that the position didn't matter, it all looked the same on his college transcript and since VP did nothing, why not be VP. So which is it, are the Revs a smart or not so smart team? After 10 years, I'm still not sure

New York Red Bulls - The team from New York is none other then your Uncle that can't hold down a job. Year after year you get his Christmas letter only to find yourself sadder for having opened it. You wonder why, with all his abilities, can't he pull something together. Then one day, magic happens and he finds himself with the opportunity of a lifetime, but even though you hope for the best, you're pretty sure he's going to blow it.

Real Salt Lake - Like so many people who constantly have their name mispronounced (it's Re-Al, not real), they have a complex. This complex causes them, in their early life, to over compensate for things. The problem is, this over compensation causes all sorts of additional problems. The good news is they have only two options. Either they except the problem and move along or they don't and let it crush them.

By the way, somehow writing down the personalities of the various MLS clubs felt like writing fortune cookies.



Blogger The Manly Ferry said...

I did my best to hold my tongue on these; you took a very creative approach. I particularly liked the "types" used for the Galaxy; Red Bull had the best story even if I thought the "angry drunk" model better fit them than Kansas City. On another note, I was surprised to see how consistently perceptions of Dallas stuck across the board.

Anyway, hell of an offering.

3:49 PM  

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